December 31st, 2010

This is more than just a rambling post about my resolutions. I already posted one of those. You can read it if you like, but the only thing pertaining to writing is that I'm going to do more of it. I will learn grammar and to spell better. I will finish things and try to publish things. Even if it's a self-published book of short stories or poetry... Here's hoping I don't have to use such as a last resort.
Anyway, back to the point of this handful of words. I feel as though my words are inadequate. When another person goes to read them, I find myself feeling nervous, nauseous and as though I will faint. Does anyone have a cure for said feelings, or am I doomed forever, to fear criticism of my art? I cannot help it. My Art is all I have.

Sarah

December 30th, 2010

What gets written in my world? Numbers, ideas and schedules. Plans, locations and other miserable things. I've very little time to write, and being sore makes me want to do so even less. I've been spending my time watching over an ill family member in the hospital, but I did get a chance to scribble some words down.

Tap. Tap. Tap.  

The sound was of a hand, aiming to smack at the light switch, missing by inches each time. Every time she opened her eyes, the fake rays of light caused them to feel as though they were on fire. Each time she moved, her knees came in tighter to her chest. It was as though there was a massive growth inside of her, beating on her insides, stabbing them repeatedly. 

Tears seemed to have finally run out, leaving her face slightly moist, as she repeatedly cursed herself for doing it again. She could have stopped it, prevented feeling like this again, and yet here she was. Nausea plagued her, her head pounded, and the guilt she felt was starting to consume her.

 Don't ask.
Sarah

December 27th, 2010

I'm cold from sitting in front of the computer, my head hurts and my neck hurts. I was role playing, pretending I was someone else, and realized I've yet to post anything I've written in a while.
A short paragraph found it's way through my pen and into my notebook. I shall share it with you.

He twitched, dropping things and flipping his wrist. A klenex box fell on his head, after it hit the back of the couch a few too many times. Drool ran down his face as tears when down hers. If it weren't for the soft little whimpers she gave off no one would have noticed her, sitting in the corner. With her knees pulled up to her chest, she watched him, trying to keep quiet and calm, but failing miserably. It was almost always like this now; nothing seemed to change it, no matter how hard she tried.

Much love, Sarah

December 18th, 2010

I haven't been writing, the apathy, drama, and stress have paired with a perpetual head ache. But, that's sort of in my favor. Sure, I feel terrible most of the time, but current happenings have given me more to think about, more material to write about. Plus, I've been putting pieces of story together, that I never would have without this period of feeling like crap. So, I'll take it.

Write Long & Edit,
Sarah

December 11th, 2010

It's quite irritating when I've an idea one moment, and then detest it the next. It seems marvellous, but develops into a heap of un-usable rubbish. A name sparks a flame of an idea, but it's out before a little kid can blow out his birthday cake. Holiday and family stress isn't helping either. The stress is more bombastic than meaningful, or I'd probably write about it.
Oh well.

Sarah

December 8th, 2010

I think I've a new idea? I'm not quite sure, for all I seem to do is sleep and read. Oops.

Sarah

December 5th, 2010

The SAT is over, and once I finish re-writing my government notes, I shall be able to really get writing. I love the prologue that I wrote this November, but I found the six and a half chapters I wrote to be dull and uninspired. First person isn't my forte, but I lose interest in third. I sincerely doubt it will follow any real events near as close as I had planned. Plus, I'm pretty much animosity free now (in fact, twice now I've picked up my phone & contemplated texting or calling), so I'm not that much into it in the first place. But hey, I'll be filled with the winter blues in no time, so I'll come up with something. Really, I'm just hoping my tendency to lean in a melancholy sort of direction will assist me, but not aid the procrastination in slowing me down.
In other news, my dreams like to taunt me, I read much too slowly for my own liking, and I am absolutely, irrevocably in love... with Pears. They are quite delicious. Especially when they are still pretty firm.

Sarah

December 3rd, 2010

Happy December, everyone. I've taken a bit of a break from writing, as you can see by my failed attempt at NaNoWriMo this year, but I'm aright. No worries, really. If anything, it's given me a chance to try and chill, and focus on other things going on in my life. But, after I take my SAT tomorrow, I can get back into really writing.

I write in notebooks first, preferably college rule, but I think all those that I have are wide ruled. I use pencil and cursive, since it's harder to decipher. I'm hoping to write at least 5 pages (front and back, so really 10) a day, after tomorrow. Counting would be tedious, so once I start typing, you'll get a work count. I do so much better, writing by hand.

Also, I've been neglecting my poetry lately. I think I'll be doing a bit more of that as well. It's freeing, a good outlet for random thoughts and emotions.

Loves,
Sarah

November 27th, 2010

For the first time in my life,

or at least that I can remember,

I am going to fail and accept the fact.

I'm not rushing to catch up,

nor am I lying to hide my lack of success.

Honestly, 

I am not going to win, 

and I'm okay with that.

Hey, it's been a while. Basically, NaNoWriMo is a No-Go this year. Less than 10,000 words. I started really strong, but got distracted, and then had stress coming at me from all different angles. Normally, I'd be freaking out, spazzing and trying to catch up. But really, doing that would only stress me out more. I didn't finish NaNoWriMo. I've a 66% success rate. It's passing, at least.
I am going to finish my novel though. I didn't realize how much I prefer to write by hand until recently. So I'm going to print out my 9,000+ words, and start over. My point of view is going to change, the time line will be tweaked. I'm going to like it more. Much, much more.
This blog will continue, as will my writing. I'm okay with that too.

Write Long & Edit,
Sarah

November 13th, 2010

I've yet to write, but I plan on writing later today. Well, I take that back. There's been a bit of poetry, free verse and otherwise, happy and not. I've gone through my last 3 sketchbooks, reading everything I wrote in them. I find it almost amusing that my emotions are clear on my face, and through the pages. The angry images, seem to almost be captioned with even more vicious words.
So, I guess the friendship that began last year, the one that spawned this years NaNoWriMo is pretty much over. I never got to cause the scene I wanted too, or ask her to take the metaphorical knife from my back, but hey. And the funny thing is, she was done after I called her out on something. At least this time, I won't be seen as the "bad guy" for blowing her off. Like I was the first time, since no one knew any information other than the fact that I wasn't speaking to her, and thought I had lost it.
Part of me wants to spew the anger and animosity I feel right now, but I won't. It's because I don't just forget problems or get over things. After I lose trust in someone, it's not instantaneously gained back. Oops. I will just put it all toward my NaNo.
Thanks Taylor, for all the writing Material.

Sarah

November 11th, 2010

I haven't written since the 8th. Word block paired with much to accomplish isn't conducive to NaNoWriMo. Drama and college preparation aren't helpful either. I'm done complaining now, Sorry.

Sarah

November 8th, 2010

It's been days since I've written anything for my NaNoWriMo. I've drawn, taken photos and written angry poetry, but not worked on my novel. I'm behind now, even though I was Days ahead in the beginning. I'm already dealing with the anxiety of being behind on that, plus signing up for college, high school & AP work, and stress at home, it's just starting to drive me nuts. At least my nano count is Over Nine Thousand.

Sarah

November 4th, 2010

I'm so close to 9 thousand, I can barely stand it. I don't want to do anything but write. But, alas, I must do other things, like eat, sleep, and go to school. I want to reach 10,000 words tonight, but my fingers are so cold, and typing with gloves on is quite difficult. I've actually created some fictional events in my fictional novel, I think I've made a break through.

 Just one question: If we're all mad here, why am I so happy?

Write long & Edit,
Sarah

November 3rd, 2010

Before I say anything, I just realized I wrote 11/2/10 on my papers in school.... Anyway.
I AM WRITING FICTION. I need to keep reminding myself that. I'm using actual events as a basis for my NaNo novel this year, but I've followed the timeline so strictly, that it's hard for me to "make stuff up." But, I'm five thousand words in thus far (almost six thousand) and finally starting to deviate from the truth. Which is good, because the majority of all the exciting things I've ideas for are toward the end, so I need to not bore myself to tears writing this.
So, I'm hoping to hit seven thousand, if not more tonight. If I don't, there's always tomorrow. Now, to make some hot chocolate and Grab my snuggie.

Write Lots,
Sarah

November 2nd, 2010

With freezing fingers and sapped creativity, I post this as swiftly as I possibly can. So far, tis going well. I just want to get this biznatch of a story out of me, so I can go back and edit it. I am currently about 4,800 words in, and so far it feels uninspired and lame. I just want to cut crappy parts out, and change things I've already written. But, then again, that's not the true spirit behind NaNoWriMo, is it?

You can Write It WriMos!
Sarah

November 1st, 2010

NaNoWriMo has begun, finally. Though, I can't say much, considering I was asleep at midnight. I feel like absolute rubbish, but I've hit 1729 words, meaning I just slightly passed my goal for today. I'm on track. (Mind you, I always start out that way. I just never finish on track, I spazz toward the end.)
So far, Bryony George has let it be know, that she does know the whereabouts of Eloise. Chapter one has finally begun, with her telling the story of her and Eloise's meeting. Unfortunately, I've already hit a boring block of explanation. So, the next time I go to write, I'll take a machete to the block, and make it more about action than explanation. If that will work, I  know not.
Checking my Nano buddies page, I have found myself 24 words behind one of my buddies. I'm much to competitive and will now be typing at least 25 more words. Damn, my mind is scattered due to Nano, and the fact that I am ill. Is this coherent? I don't know.

Sarah

October 30th, 2010

In a way, I haven't planned nearly as much as I usually would have by now. And yet, I also feel more prepared than I've ever been. I've no clue why such is the case, but you'll hear no complaints pass between my lips. Really, I'm just for psyched the creative sort of catharsis I hope to achieve. Really, I'd like to stop feeling paranoid and pathetic before NaNoWriMo starts, but that's not going to happen. Trust me.

I'm a head case, I know. I have issues letting go of the past, and assume people are doomed to do the same things over and over again, I get that. But once, I'd like for a way to be able to tell if "history shall repeat itself." Anyway, back to the planning...

It shall begin with the news, some sort of paper or a TV program. The background information helps lead to Bryony. She's going to say something to the people she meets, they're going to go somewhere and talk. Her talking shall help transition into the first chapter, and out of the prologue. I've an idea where to go from there as well, but not a single other definite character name. I'm to wishy washy. I shall be off.

Write Long & Edit,
Sarah

October 29th, 2010

Bryony Elizabeth George. I think she's to be my new main character. I know how she thinks, for she thinks the way I choose. Creative control is flooding back to me, with the power to wield the mighty words, in any way, that astound me. And yet, I wonder why, this only happens during November?

Write long and Edit,
Sarah

October 27th, 2010

Naming may possibly be going well. My "protagonist" is most likely going to be named Georgie or Bryony, which is a good start, I guess. I've still the other main female character, and a slew of others without names, but hopefully they'll just come to me. I'm thinking about Kristina a bit, though I doubt it will be worked into the story in any substantial way.
Oh, and the paragraph mentioned a while ago, it's morphing into something else. Same concept, different approach. I dunno, Sophia's the name chosen for the MC.
I'm quite bland and blah at the moment.
I fear I'm coming off of my "happiness-high."

Sarah

October 26th, 2010

All roads lead to Rome,
Past paths covered in lies,
and littered with the corpses,
of your fallen Alibis.


Even if you reach the goal,
the fair city far ahead,
hearts still beat in the fleet of the scorned,
wishing to see you lie dead.


Vengeance burns deep down below,
your enemies having just the stomach,
until the truth's revealed to all,
their determination cannot be unstuck.


Prove yourself changed or come not near,
for your ill words I refuse to hear.

I've been working on naming Characters for NaNoWriMo, but it's quite odd. I've  this love of older names, and at the same time cannot choose a single one. The poem above came from sitting, waiting for the cookies to bake in the oven, right after the internet sent me yet another sign that I should trust someone I'd like to trust again. Again, my head is reeling, so I shall finish cleaning up the kitchen, and go draw. That should help clear my mind, for some good plotting.

Write Long & Edit,
Sarah

October 24th, 2010

'Tis but the final countdown. Roughly a seven-night 'till the frivolity shall commence. Yet, nature never framed a woman's heart so dry, old and brittle. 'Tis no hope for I devise honest slanders toward myself. Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps, and I doubt such shall hang upon me, ere I die. Just speak of me as Lady Disdain, for I may say I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me, but such is a complete Lie. Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul,I admit to being lonely.
And yet, I am there for all others, to aid in their joys.

[How can I focus on NaNoWriMo?]

Sarah

October 23rd, 2010

How can I write with my mind so jumbled?
The words cannot flow when you feel so alone.
People don't do what they should,
but you have to keep going.
Leave the cankers clinging to the hedge,
leave the fear of incorrectness,
And just run.
For soon you will write,
feeling loved and content.
Soon you will have,
what you've been searching for....
or at least a story to tell.

October 22nd, 2010

I'm much to impatient. There are still 9 days before NaNoWriMo begins, tis much to long. I find focus difficult, for I would rather be plotting than sitting in Economics or trying to graph parabolas. I've been in such a good mood, but my thoughts all seem negative, spewing out when I've a utensil in my hand. I don't feel like myself.

The feelings counteract the actions
what sort of misnomer must I fight?
Jumping like a fool yet weeping inside,
and for what?
Many are as I, feeling lesser than their peers,
ugly and blemished,
grotesque and repulsive.
Many lack any sort of belonging feeling,
a sort of niche they've carved out for them self.
They don't complain.
I shall not either.

Write Long & Edit,
Sarah

October 19, 2010

I had an 'epiffany' about my NaNoWriMo novel this year. It's about the Blair to My Serena (yes, I made a gossip girl reference.) but much more exaggerated and, well, negative. Though the whole thing is already exaggerated in my incredibly paranoid mind, so I'm not sure how I can make it worse. I mean, even now, after we supposedly have come to a point where we understand each other, I'm still. I do this thing, where I assume the worst. She brings it out in me. Even thinking about it jumbled up my head.
I'm thinking about titling it "Snake on the Tracks," which will make sense once it's read. And I just decided I'm going to focus on the disappointment that I'm feeling now, while writing. Let's just say, if you're a true best friend, you're going to see it need space, but you're supposed to try and gain my trust back. Or at least, that's what would happen in a perfect world.
This, this right here, is why I burn bridges so much. Sure, it's lonely, but you don't feel disappointed that they don't fight to be your friend like you want them too. And you don't constantly fear lying, or her liking and 'getting' a guy you like(d) and told her such. [But then again such leads to your realization that the boys in your own grade don't all suck as much as you thought. Sure, you've no hope, they could do better, but still.]
God, boys are stupid. Girls are stupid. I am a headcase with a headache. Goodnight.

Sarah

October 18th, 2010

What have we learned? I'm not good at thinking people can change. Romans ripped off most of their stuff from other cultures. I am quite transparent.

Anyway, I've jotted down a few lines of "poetry," if you can even call them that. And the random paragraph mentioned a while ago is now 450 words. If I can break 500 in the next 5-10 minutes, it may mean I've an idea worth working on. Or, at least, one that I can go with for a while. I'd really like to get some writing out of my system, and some of my more obscure ideas down, before NaNoWriMo, and I get to focus on one plot line at a time.

So, before I go, I'll let you read some random lines that I wrote down today. I think I intended it to be a bit of cathartic poetry, getting some things out. But, I also think I was writing down lines to go with other lines at a later date. So, they don't go together. I don't know. It at least shows how jumbled my head is right now.

I'm not bitter, I'm a realist.

I don't expect change, because I know it won't happen.

You are the car crash that I witnessed; that crash is why I won't drive.

There is no reason for such hostility.

Pettiness gets old rather quickly.

Paranoia doesn't go away, especially when there is no trust.

Your empty words are quite stale.

Sarah

October 17th, 2010

"What is the purpose of the Oxford Comma? What is the purpose of layering clothing instead of wearing a heavy jacket? What is the purpose of life?"

Quoted from my notebook. I think I'm losing it.

Sarah

October 15th, 2010

I've written a few lines here and there. I've read more in the last week then I did last month, but all my inspiration seems to be drawing & painting related. A couple days ago, I sat down and started writing, titling the little spurt of words "running." I may turn it into something. I've no clue.
My head is in a bit of a fog, from sleeping off a migraine today, no doubt, which is probably good. I've to get everything for my Halloween blog post at my art blog, here, that needs to be up tomorrow finished so it can be posted on time. I don't know. I've been getting my "priorities in check" today. I'm signed up for an SAT, I've emailed the school of my dreams. It all feels quite odd, like I'm stuck in the Forrest between here and Narnia, with nothing rushing me to do anything. Tis almost like nothing really matters. I don't know.

Sarah

October 11th, 2010

Fun fact? The idea for the story that I had, the 'brilliant' one that I was going to run with, fails. It's like over the night I've lost any sort of ideas that I had. Forgetting to write something down is the biggest problem I have, and has been for quite a while. I've more ideas, but no real motivation to continue. Mayhaps something will strike me. Whence, I know not.
Oh, you may not know this, but I dabble in song writing as well. Part of me thinks I should get some songs out, if anything it would help me be less angry &/or bitter. I just seem to think of Catchy (in my opinion) lines, and write them down in my phone and forget them. Those, paired with my cheesy metaphors could create some, at least, entertaining stuff.

Write Long and Edit,
Sarah

October 8th, 2010

I'm not quite sure, but I decided to open up blogger and just write for a bit. What it is, I'm not sure. Thoughts? (fix my grammar, please and thank you.)

Write long and edit,
Sarah

The sky was bright, full of clouds; falling slowly, softly, from the sky seemed to be tiny drops of rain. A hint of wet-scented air drifted to her nose in the breeze, as she sat there, feeling the sun and water on her face. The light green tank top began to stick to her skin, damp and clingy, as did the shorts she wore. By the time she got up, her crossed legs would have little red indents, bumps on her skin from the sidewalk below them. Eyes closed, arms lifted outward and palms toward the sky,the percipitation was giving her the sensation of little pokes from the beads of water, before rolling off of her skin, falling to the ground. Rolling tires splashed though shallow puddles, trees gently shook their leaves in the wind, all the neighborhood sounds bouncing around her, open to and aware of it all.

Yeah, I dunno...

October 7th, 2010

It's all been a spurt of words here, a splat of inspiration there. It's alright, I at least got a bit of poetry out, which is helping me get over some drama. When honesty goes out the window, I fear loyalty does as well, so it is questioned. When I get no answer, I take that as the answer. Oh Well.

Foil

You foiled my trust in you,

So I'll foil your plan,

I will not crack this time,

screw being the bigger person.

I can ignore how impaitent I am,

I can make myself busy,

I can avoid going back,

talking, yelling or screaming at you.

I'm not angry.

At this point, I don't know what I feel.

All I know is, you chose not to choose.

I chose not to fight any more.

If you won't, why should I?

Write Long and Edit,

Sarah

October 6th, 2010

Writing at this moment in time is a bit dismal. Really, I'm just waiting to be told by two people that I'm a wretched little person, who deserves no friends because of how big a jerk I am. Really, I'm not. I don't ever tell person to choose one friend over another, I've just sort of, lost trust, faith, and confidence. Such things I'm ready to hear, no matter how incorrect they shall be, have left my newly wielded pen to spew nothing but depressing or betrayed poetry.

I Don't Deserve

I know what I said and to whom in which I did,

I know the selflessness you're going to tell me of-

she doesn't deserve this drama, this emotional roller coaster.

Not even she-who-is-seemingly-emotionless would say what I said.

It is cruel to make one choose between friends,

no matter how much you've been shaken.

So what if you're now questioning the loyalties of many?
What of it, paranoia of it happening again?

It doesn't matter how terrible they made you feel,

how much you may have cried, yelled and hurt.

She doesn't deserve you to do that to her,

no matter how much emotional pain she caused you.

But, I don't deserve the mental mess she caused either.

Sarah

October 5th, 2010

I have no issues with people looking at my drawings. But, when someone gets to a page with words written on it, I spazz. Said spazzing happened twice today. I do wonder what I'm so afraid of, my feelings won't make them say anything. They probably don't care, they just are curious about what comes from my pen. But still, I don't like it.
The conversation that sparked the current written project, it continued in my Lit class today, which was good. When I begin typing, I'll be able to expand a bit in the beginning, which is always good. I've some Angsty things to go write, to get the conflict out of my system, so I can be productive.

Write long & Edit,
Sarah

October 4th, 2010

I've written a bit of poetry, while waiting to hear of someone I feel for, and then after finding another had feelings for me. I quite hate feelings right now. They ruin a lot.
I wrote a few lines in the 'story' as well. Does it look hopeful? I've no clue.

Sorry

It's the only word I can make out,

the swirling letters clouding my mind.

Never did I want to have to say this,

I've thought of this conversation before.

Never did it end well,

I'm sorry.

October 2nd, Part Deux

The idea I think I mentioned, from the post I posted earlier today, I've begun it.
I always write more with pen and paper, so I grabbed a notebook and took a conversation from my English class, and turned it into the first 2-3 hundred words. Where will it go? I know not. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sarah

October 2nd, 2010

In the past 2-ish weeks, d'you know what I've written?
Nothing.
Well, not nothing. I've had papers for school, and homework to do, but really, I've written nothing, and I feel quite terrible for that. The only thing I've done in the way of writing, was come up with an idea in the middle of my English class, a Philosophical one, for a story.
Maybe it's a lack of inspiration?

Sarah

September 23rd, 2010

So, I've my art blog, which is all fine and dandy. While, I do not say writing isn't art, it will just be easier for me to differenciate between the literature and visual art, by separating the two. I've delt with some crappy things in my few years, so I like to write them out of my system. Maybe if I keep up this blog, I can actually finish a draft? Plus a draft for NaNoWriMo 10.

Write long and edit,
Sarah